Is there really such a thing as GOOD grief? Most of us will not get to leave this earth without having lost a loved one. Recently 3 of my clients who are in the midst of grieving the loss of a family member are also struggling with some old eating behaviors they thought were long gone.

Because the experience of loss often triggers very intense and uncomfortable emotions, it is a normal knee jerk reaction to look for ways to stop these feelings. For the food addict a chocolate chip cookie seems to be the best and most logical cure for these terrible feelings. But I am willing to bet you know that is not the case, that the only way to heal our feelings is to breathe into and embrace them, allowing ourselves to feel them as intensely as we possible can. Running from them whether it be by overeating, excessive alcohol or drug consumption, overworking, etc. only delays the inevitable (remember: wherever you go there you are!!).

I received the following email from a client I worked with years ago. She was bulimic at the time. With lots of hard work, dedication and courage, she was able to gain control of her eating behaviors and heal her relationship with food. Last month her grandfather died. I have shared this email exchange with some of my other clients and they found it helpful, so I felt compelled to share it here with you. Please note I have changed the name of my client to protect her identity.

Hi Louisa,

I hope you are well. I have a question for you.

My grandfather passed away two weeks ago. I am having a difficult time with his death and as a result, my eating is crazy! Any suggestions for getting back on track and continuing with the progress I was so happily making?

I’m not blaming my poor grandpa; I just want to feel better. I know the grieving process can take time, but I am creating more misery for myself.

Any suggestions would be very much appreciated.

Thanks so much,

Alexa

Hi Alexa,

So sorry to hear of your loss. And yes the grieving process does take time. The key is to allow yourself to really feel and grieve vs. stuff and purge your feelings. Often times one will feel a lot better after they have had a good cry. Don’t be afraid of the feelings. Also it sometimes helps to talk about how you are feeling about your loss, your sadness, anger, pain, etc… Or sometimes it helps to just reminisce about your experiences with your loved one; recalling funny stories, memories, etc… Sometimes it is helpful to talk to someone who knew your loved one; other times it feels better to talk to “an outsider”. Remember that grief comes in waves and will often pop up when you least expect it. Give yourself permission to take the time to feel: that might mean giving yourself an hour or two or a whole afternoon to just be with your feelings, and not put pressure on yourself to “be productive”; knowing that allowing yourself to honor the process is in and of itself productive. Other times it might be good to distract yourself with something fun and/or amusing: playing with your kids, gardening, etc… But before you turn to food: stop, breathe, get very still and ask yourself what would be most helpful and healing for you in this moment… if you listen you will know what to do… Be kind and gentle with yourself when you do have some food issues; understand that you are in pain and it is now that you really need an emotional hug (not a beating!). If you do make the decision to eat set the table real nice, put the food on a silver platter and eat with passion and presence. Allow yourself to enjoy it and honor the role that it is playing in your life.

Another thing to think about before you binge is that you are already feeling “not good” and by bingeing you will feel even worse; even though not giving into the urge might be painful, you’re in pain anyway. Might as well be in pain and not binge than be in pain and binge. I hope this is somehow helpful for you.

Warmest Regards,

Louisa

This is the last part of a four part blog. To read Parts I, II, and III view my three previous posts.

The Awakening, Part IV
(author unknown)

And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting,
good people. On these occasions you learn to not personalize things. You learn that God isn’t punishing you or failing to answer your prayers.
It’s just life happening.

And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state: the ego.
You learn
that negative feelings such as anger, envy, and resentment must be understood and
redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you.
You learn to admit when you are wrong and build bridges instead of walls.

You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can onlydream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself
a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than your
heart’s desire. And you hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the
wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to
every wonderful possibility.

Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side you take a stand,
you take a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best you can!