Is there really such a thing as GOOD grief? Most of us will not get to leave this earth without having lost a loved one. Recently 3 of my clients who are in the midst of grieving the loss of a family member are also struggling with some old eating behaviors they thought were long gone.

Because the experience of loss often triggers very intense and uncomfortable emotions, it is a normal knee jerk reaction to look for ways to stop these feelings. For the food addict a chocolate chip cookie seems to be the best and most logical cure for these terrible feelings. But I am willing to bet you know that is not the case, that the only way to heal our feelings is to breathe into and embrace them, allowing ourselves to feel them as intensely as we possible can. Running from them whether it be by overeating, excessive alcohol or drug consumption, overworking, etc. only delays the inevitable (remember: wherever you go there you are!!).

I received the following email from a client I worked with years ago. She was bulimic at the time. With lots of hard work, dedication and courage, she was able to gain control of her eating behaviors and heal her relationship with food. Last month her grandfather died. I have shared this email exchange with some of my other clients and they found it helpful, so I felt compelled to share it here with you. Please note I have changed the name of my client to protect her identity.

Hi Louisa,

I hope you are well. I have a question for you.

My grandfather passed away two weeks ago. I am having a difficult time with his death and as a result, my eating is crazy! Any suggestions for getting back on track and continuing with the progress I was so happily making?

I’m not blaming my poor grandpa; I just want to feel better. I know the grieving process can take time, but I am creating more misery for myself.

Any suggestions would be very much appreciated.

Thanks so much,

Alexa

Hi Alexa,

So sorry to hear of your loss. And yes the grieving process does take time. The key is to allow yourself to really feel and grieve vs. stuff and purge your feelings. Often times one will feel a lot better after they have had a good cry. Don’t be afraid of the feelings. Also it sometimes helps to talk about how you are feeling about your loss, your sadness, anger, pain, etc… Or sometimes it helps to just reminisce about your experiences with your loved one; recalling funny stories, memories, etc… Sometimes it is helpful to talk to someone who knew your loved one; other times it feels better to talk to “an outsider”. Remember that grief comes in waves and will often pop up when you least expect it. Give yourself permission to take the time to feel: that might mean giving yourself an hour or two or a whole afternoon to just be with your feelings, and not put pressure on yourself to “be productive”; knowing that allowing yourself to honor the process is in and of itself productive. Other times it might be good to distract yourself with something fun and/or amusing: playing with your kids, gardening, etc… But before you turn to food: stop, breathe, get very still and ask yourself what would be most helpful and healing for you in this moment… if you listen you will know what to do… Be kind and gentle with yourself when you do have some food issues; understand that you are in pain and it is now that you really need an emotional hug (not a beating!). If you do make the decision to eat set the table real nice, put the food on a silver platter and eat with passion and presence. Allow yourself to enjoy it and honor the role that it is playing in your life.

Another thing to think about before you binge is that you are already feeling “not good” and by bingeing you will feel even worse; even though not giving into the urge might be painful, you’re in pain anyway. Might as well be in pain and not binge than be in pain and binge. I hope this is somehow helpful for you.

Warmest Regards,

Louisa

This is the last part of a four part blog. To read Parts I, II, and III view my three previous posts.

The Awakening, Part IV
(author unknown)

And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting,
good people. On these occasions you learn to not personalize things. You learn that God isn’t punishing you or failing to answer your prayers.
It’s just life happening.

And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state: the ego.
You learn
that negative feelings such as anger, envy, and resentment must be understood and
redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you.
You learn to admit when you are wrong and build bridges instead of walls.

You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can onlydream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself
a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than your
heart’s desire. And you hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the
wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to
every wonderful possibility.

Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side you take a stand,
you take a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best you can!

This is the third part of a four part blog. To read Part I and II view my 2 previous blogs.

The Awakening, Part III
(author unknown)

You learn that you don’t know everything; its not your job to save the world and that you can’t teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross you bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love, romantic love and familial love; how to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving, and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship.
You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable Or more important because of the man on your arm or the child that bears your name.
You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations, and outcomes.And, you learn that alone does not mean lonely…

And you look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10.
And you stop trying to compete with the image in your head and agonizing over how you “stack up”.

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK…
And that it is your right to want things and ask for the things that you want and that Sometimes it is necessary to make demands.

You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won’t settle for less.
And you allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you to glorify you with his touch… and in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect.

And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you take more time to rest.

And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and play.

You learn, that for the most part, in life you get what you believe you deserve… and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy, You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen in different from working towards making it happen.

More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone and that it’s OK to risk asking for help.

You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time FEAR itself.
You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live your life on your terms.

Check back Monday for Part IV!

www.ysayit.com Women Supporting Women.

This is the second part of a four part blog.  Read my previous post to read part I.

The Awakening, Part II
(author unknown)

So you learn to stand on your own and take care of yourself and in the
process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their short comings and human frailties and in the process
a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.

You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you is a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche.

And you begin to sift through all the crap you’ve been fed about how you should behave,
how you should look and how much you should weigh, what you should wear and where
you should shop and what you drive , how and where you should live and what you
should do for a living, who you should sleep with, who you should marry and what you
should expect of a marriage, the importance of having and
raising children or what you owe your parents.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view.
And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.
You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the
doctrines and values you’ve outgrown or never should have bought into to begin with
and in the process you learn to go with your instincts.
 
You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive.

And that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering
through live merely as a “consumer” looking for your next fix.

You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a
by gone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

Check back Thursday for Part III

www.ysayit.com (Women Supporting Women)