Food and Feelings: Stories of people who are making the connection…
I believe that the preceding paragraph describes how each and every one of us would live our lives if we were to return to the essence from which we were born. As infants, we quite naturally lived and expressed our truth in each moment. If we were happy we laughed; sad we cried; hungry we ate; full we stopped eating. It did not occur to us to not ask for our needs to be met, let alone think that we didn’t deserve to have our needs met. However, we soon got messages that it was not always safe to express our truth, to be ourselves. Maybe our parents hollered at us, and we felt scared when we asked for something. Maybe we heard things like “stop being so annoying,” or “big girls don’t cry,” or “I don’t have time to deal with you right now.” Maybe as soon as we expressed an uncomfortable feeling we were given the message “don’t feel that way; here eat this you’ll feel better.”
I have found a major key to recovery/coming home to yourself is to relax into the present moment. Here you can connect with yourself and listen to your truth, your inner knowing. In doing this you will experience unconditional love and acceptance for yourself and others. You will let go of the need for the approval of others, and will know what actions you must take to live a healthy, joyful life.
This year I was privileged to witness the journey of an amazing weight loss surgery patient who has truly come home to herself, and is learning to live an authentic joyful life. I met 32-year-old Heather Storms when she signed up for my Weight Loss Surgery Therapy Group. She had gastric bypass surgery in October of 2006. The day of surgery she weighed 350 pounds. She lost 175-180 pounds within seven months of her surgery, and has maintained that weight loss for the past year. While she was thrilled with the new and exciting life experiences this weight loss afforded her, she was also astounded by the intensity of feelings that surfaced once she lost the ability to stuff them with food.
Her desire to be free of the constraints of obesity, coupled with her determination to make peace with food, has led her down the oft times bumpy road of self-discovery. Heather has graciously offered to share the story of her journey.
Heather is the oldest of eight children. There is a span of 17 years between Heather and her youngest sibling. At an early age she took on the role of surrogate mother for her six sisters and one brother. Both parents worked full time and Heather assumed many parenting responsibilities. By nature she is extremely bright and quite intuitive. She is very organized and responsible at times to a fault: all the makings of a good parent. By the time she turned 13 Heather was babysitting six children; four under the age of five. In the middle of the night, if a sibling couldn’t sleep because she was sick or scared, she went into Heather’s room to sleep with her. The stories could go on, but I think you get the point.
Very early on, Heather gained a sense of pride and self-worth by her role as Mommy’s little helper. She was often told, “You are so wise for your years, you are so mature, you take such good care of your brother and sisters, you are so bright, we can depend on you.” She recalls, “I wanted to be loved. I wanted to be respected. It scares me how much I wanted that feeling. I felt like I could buy love. I was willing to give away my personality to keep people in my life to feel loved. I was a crowd pleaser, but I never worked on pleasing myself, or being as kind to me as I was to others. I don’t know how I learned to ignore my needs, but I think when I was a kid I got so much recognition for being a good caretaker of others. It became a way of life. It never occurred to me to think about what my needs were, let alone ask that they be met. Everyone, including myself, thought I was ‘just fine’. I was independent, bright and self sufficient.”
Eventually Heather realized that she wasn’t “just fine.” After decades of yo-yo dieting she admitted to herself that she hated the way she felt physically and emotionally. While she presented to the world as having it all together she knew her weight and eating behaviors had spiraled out of control. So, at the age of 30 she made the drastic decision to have weight loss surgery.
As part of her recovery Heather began to deeply explore the role that compulsive eating, and excess weight played in her life. She came to understand that she used food as a primary means of self-nurture often in response to the everyday stresses of parenting; a stress that as a child she should not have known. “…food was my medicine, my drug of choice, my addiction. It was the thing I turned to in a crisis, a happy or sad time, or a moment in my day to get centered. I looked to it for the healing touches that I needed, for calming down, and as a reward.”
When she recalls her childhood initially she thinks, “I was happy, I was lucky, I came from a good family. I was loved. I felt safe and secure.” However, she has also had to learn to own and deal with feelings of anger, resentment, regret, and grief as she has processed the origin of her compulsive eating behaviors. This was not so comfortable for Heather, especially when some of those feelings were directed towards her loved ones. To admit that she held some anger and resentment towards her parents whom she loves and adores was difficult, but she has been courageous in her willingness to be brutally honest about her life. It was through this process that Heather has come to reclaim her power over food.
There was a particular incident that brought to light just how much she had changed. About a year after surgery her dad took her out to the diner to have a “father-daughter chat.” He basically told Heather that she was nicer when she was fat! As Heather reflected on this conversation she said:
“He was right in some way. I giggled a lot more before the surgery. I was softer with people. The stresses were similar, but I handled them differently. I would eat and worry. And eat and worry. Then sleep would come. And I would have eaten and slept through the stress, almost like it was a dream. I never really experienced the event. I medicated through it. I believe I am a genetically wired high anxiety worry wart! That hasn’t changed with weight loss. How it comes out to the people around me has. Before I had my anatomy rerouted, I would verbalize half of how bad I thought a particular life event was, and then eat the other half of the stress away. Now I am forced to deal with the whole event. I am working to breathe through the moments, knowing I am just letting an energy/feeling pass through me. The feeling may be uncomfortable, but it is just a feeling. The old Heather would laugh for everyone; make sure everyone was comfortable and happy. I went too far to please all the time. The problem with that is I didn’t learn how to care for myself. I never learned to set boundaries. But when I did recognize the need for boundaries, and started to make those boundaries clear to other people, the worst possible thing happened: They didn’t think I was so nice. They thought I was nicer when I was fat. They liked me better fat. When this comment was made to me, I was initially hurt. I was awestruck how much of a blow it was. Then I realized that boundaries are not a bad thing. They are a part of life and growing and that I maybe should have learned this lesson earlier in life. Setting boundaries is something that makes life better for me. I had no hobbies before the surgery. Now I have a couple that are developing. I wonder if this is because not only do I not spend all day in a food coma, but I also learned to say yes to my needs first which at times means I must say no to others… a very new behavior for me. I really was nicer when I was fat. I just wasn’t nice to me; and I guess through this process I am realizing that I need to be nicer to me all the time. I am the one who needs and deserves my kindness.”
At the diner she recalls her initial inclination was to order French toast to get her through this uncomfortable discussion. Even though her heart and stomach craved the comfort of the French toast, she knew she needed her protein first. So, she was forced to sit with her feelings, and as such became acutely aware of her old thought patterns. She made the decision in that moment to not justify, or apologize to her father for her new found sense of self-worth. She knew if she did that she would not be respecting herself or honoring her truth. She also knew this would be setting herself up to sabotage her eating plan, because being disloyal to herself was indeed a binge trigger. Instead she sat with the feeling until she came home to that quiet space inside where she knew what she must do to take care of herself. She needed to validate her father’s observations and feelings, but stand firm in a very loving and respectful way in protecting her boundaries and not apologize for self-caretaking.
She reports: “Life after surgery is a lot different. I look back on my life, and think about when the weight piled on and how I was feeling, and I am sad to think about how sad I was. I was in such need of love and compassion. Amazing, how the lack of attention or love or hugs, or whatever it was that I needed from other people at the time created a hunger in me (literally). Now I feel like I can hug myself. I like when other people do it too, but I really enjoy it more when I am nice to myself.”
Today, Heather is learning to live her life from the inside out. She is taking responsibility for her thoughts and actions, letting go of harsh self-judgments, developing hobbies and interests that spark passion and purpose in her heart, and inviting people into her life by whom she feels celebrated and energized. Please know that you too can create the same opportunities to come home to yourself, and live a healthy and joyful life!
Louisa Latela is a psychotherapist in Haddonfield, N.J. She is a My Self Design Program Provider, offers individual and group counseling, facilitates “Food and Feelings” Workshops, and regularly speaks to WLS support groups. If you have any questions or comments or would like to share your experiences of how you are making the connection between food and feelings. Louisa would love to hear from you: email: louisa@louisalatela.com or call 856.429.9799
WLS Lifestyles - www.wlslifestyles.com - Copyright 2008
Food & Feelings: Stories of People Who Are Making The Connection
(Gracie’s Story)
By: Louisa Latela MSW, LCSWI recently came across this quote by Deepak Chopra: “The possibility of stepping into a higher plane is quite real for everyone. It involves little more than changing our ideas about what is normal.”
This is exactly what my client, Gracie, has done over the past two years as she has come to reclaim her power over food and learned to live in a way truly reflective of self-love and respect.
Gracie’s love affair with food started pretty much when she was born. She was raised in an Italian family with a wonderful Italian grandmother who taught her that food was love! She was very close to her grandmother, and there was never a time when you went to her house that she didn’t offer you food. Food cured whatever ailed you. Whether it be a fight with your parents or a skinned knee, food fixed the problem. It also made the happy times even more special and memorable.
Then, when Gracie turned 10 she was molested by an adult male neighbor. She recalls feeling horrible and ashamed. Also, Gracie, a naturally intuitive and caring soul, is highly sensitive to the feelings and moods of others, and as such thought it her duty to protect them from any uncomfortable emotion or experience. She knew if she told her parents about the incident they would be upset so she chose to keep it to herself. This sort of behavior became what was normal for Gracie: putting the needs and feelings of others before her own. Being so worried about everyone else’s feelings did not give Gracie much of a chance to tend to her own, so she unconsciously kept them stuffed down deep in her gut with food. Gracie eventually told her parents about the molestation two years later when she was in the midst of a meltdown that just couldn’t be stuffed with food.
Shortly thereafter, Gracie’s mother had a brain aneurysm that started to burst. Her mother was in the hospital and rehab for four months. During that time her younger brother went to stay with her grandmother and Gracie stayed home to take care of her father. Her life revolved around trying to make his life easier. Gracie felt great pride and satisfaction in her ability to help and comfort her dad. She was often home alone with no one but the food to talk to, to console her, “Food was my solace, my companion, best friend and savior.” There were so many thoughts/fears racing around in her mind. What would happen with her mother? Would she live? If she did what would she be like when she got home? How could she stop her father from feeling all the fear and pain she saw in his eyes? Food calmed the anxiety that was triggered by these thoughts. After all, food was love, so eating to soothe uncomfortable feelings was now a quite normal behavior for Gracie.
She and her father grew extremely close. When her mother finally came home, Gracie soon realized that she was not the same mom that left four months earlier. Her mother had once been a fireball of energy and excitement, strong willed and confident. Now she was meek, unsure of herself, and not able to handle the slightest bit of stress.
This was a major adjustment for Gracie and her family. It was difficult to accept this “new mom” and it was hard to relinquish her role as Dad’s keeper and partner. But once again food was there to get Gracie through this transition. After all, food was love.
Not long after that Gracie entered high school and connected with a great group of friends who did not drink or do drugs; they did food. They ate for every reason: when they were happy, when they were sad, to celebrate a basketball victory or good grades, or to support one another when they had their hearts broken.
In 1984 Gracie graduated high school. She was 5’6” tall, weighed 190 pounds and felt huge at that size. She continued to date and eventually married her high school sweetheart in 1991. She reports they were good friends and she felt safe with him. She also believed no one else would want her. In 1994 her daughter was born and in 2000 she and her husband divorced.
Then in 2001 she met a gentleman with whom she fell deeply in love. She had never before experienced such passion and connection. He adored and spoiled her in a way that she’d never experienced or dreamed possible. However, despite the love and nurture she felt from this man, her love affair with food continued.
In July of 2005 at the age of 38 her weight reached an all time high of 346 pounds. Though she appeared to be a happy, confident dent young woman, she lived in constant fear that people would not like her. She hated the way she looked and felt worthless and ashamed. Having made several unsuccessful attempts to lose and maintain a healthy weight, she finally made the decision to have gastric bypass surgery.
It was terrifying for Gracie to actually face her feelings and listen to her inner wisdom. The truth is if you stop and listen to you, you will always know how to behave in a way that honors your highest good. Gracie soon realized that she didn’t always want to know what she knew. She didn’t really want to take the actions that would be required of her if she was to live a life that was truly reflective of self-love and respect. So, since she couldn’t stuff her way to avoidance, she tried to party a little more. When she realized that lifestyle didn’t work for her she tried to shop her feelings away.
“Not having the comfort of food to make my feelings go away I searched for other means to deal. I managed to shop myself into an uncomfortable financial state that was completely a result of avoidance. I couldn’t have a chocolate cake so I bought a COACH bag, or a new pair of shoes that I didn’t need. To think I had this surgery so I could feel and look better physically and now that I was there, I was more miserable than ever. I wasn’t listening to my gut. I was simply looking for something to make me feel whole and complete without realizing that I was the key to achieving that.”
In moments of clarity after her surgery Gracie knew she had to leave her boyfriend of seven years. She recognized that he loved her deeply and gave her any “thing” she wanted, but when she got real honest with herself she knew she was not getting the emotional, mental, or spiritual intimacy she needed from a relationship. So, she moved out. This was a huge step for Gracie and initially she felt empowered and strong. However, as the painful feelings that often accompany a breakup surfaced, Gracie was unable to stay present to them, so she went back to shopping and tending to the physical and emotional needs of others so she could “check out.” But, eventually she was forced to face and deal with her most painful feelings.
“The turning point was when I found myself in a situation that turned into the most traumatic event I ever had to deal with. I was assaulted by someone I considered a friend. Had I listened to that little voice that told me the situation wasn’t right I would not have been hurt. In hindsight, I know now why it did happen. It forced me to face myself. It forced me to stand on my own two feet. At this point in my life I had no one to run to, to protect me, to make it “all better.” It was just me, alone with all these feelings from my past, the current horrible situation, as well as the fear of the future.
I remember sitting on my bed having the first of many conversations with myself. I looked in the mirror and truly did not recognize the person staring back. I talked to that person in the mirror, introduced myself and said “I’m Gracie, I’m broken and I know that you are the only one that can fix me. Please help me to fix me.”
I stared long and hard at that stranger in the mirror. As the minutes turned into hours that person staring back at me became more familiar. We shared the same eyes, nose and expressions. As each day passed, I spent more time staring at that person, talking to her, letting her hear me. She understood.
I am on a path of finding who I truly am. The key is to let myself feel all my feelings without having to react to them. The tendency to want to react to situations is normal. However, I have learned to step away from the intense moments and breathe through them. Whatever is happening, whether it is good or bad, it will pass and from it something will be learned. I have come to accept that each thing that comes into my life serves a purpose. Life is a changing road and the journey is simply to find the path that leads you to a place of self-love and respect. “I am no longer afraid of what is ahead of me I am embracing it.”
Fortunately for Gracie what she once used to numb her feelings (food, shopping, co-dependency) stopped working. The only choices she felt she had was either to lay down and die, or have the courage to face her feelings and her life as it really was.
Through lots of soul searching, connection with weight loss surgery support groups, and individual therapy, Gracie has truly come home to herself. I asked Gracie to discuss how her life has changed in the two and a half years since her surgery. She admits her definition of normal is much different than it was in the past. She has learned that as she engages in more self-respecting behaviors, and works through uncomfortable situations rather than try to avoid them, she feels much more confident, light, joyful, and free. Here is some of what she shared with me:
Pre-Surgery Wore clothes that were baggy and big: “The baggier the better; they made me invisible which is where my comfort zone was. Invisible meant I didn’t have to deal with anything because I didn’t exist.”
Now Wears clothes that are flattering and comfortable: “Now I wear things that actually make me feel confident and attractive. I want to stand out, be noticed.”
Pre-Surgery Living space was cluttered: “(which is how my mental state was as well – the more clutter the better). I despised cleaning, took no pride in my home, let daily chores pass and really didn’t care about the décor, etc.”
Now Living space is neat, clean, and comfortable. “Now I take pride in keeping what I have organized and neat – the time I took to re-do my living space after I moved had to be the most therapeutic thing I’ve done. I took the time to place things in my surroundings that made ME feel comfortable and at peace. It’s my safe haven and the place I come to re-group. I take pride in this, its very important. I’m worth the effort.”
Pre-Surgery Did not deal with uncomfortable feelings: “I just stuffed it – wouldn’t deal with it or lashed out (reacted vs. responded) in dramatic anger, sorrow or whatever emotion was in the moment then ate it away.”
Now Takes the time to connect with herself throughout the day, every day; no longer fears uncomfortable feelings. “I can take a step back from a situation now, feel thru the feeling and know that it will pass. Then I can listen to myself and know what I must do to deal with the situation in a way that supports my highest good.”
Pre-Surgery Was last on her list of priorities. “My life was about everyone else. What they needed was my world – taking care of them and making them better was what I did.”
Now Gracie has moved to number one on her list of priorities: “Now I’ve realized by taking the time to do the things that I know I must do for me (that are respectful and loving to me) only makes me stronger for myself and those around me. This is now a non-negotiable part of my life.” Marianne Williamson recently wrote, “In our ability to rethink our lives lies our greatest ability to change them.” This is perhaps the most powerful thing Gracie has done to change her life: that is change her core thoughts/beliefs.
Prior to surgery she thought and believed: “Other people are more important than me. My needs come last. I’m not that important. It doesn’t matter if I am happy as long as those around me are happy and like me.”
Now she knows: “I am important. I am worth the effort. I deserve to be happy – to be a whole person and to live life to the fullest. Coming to that conclusion/understanding has been very rewarding and I believe it’s the key for me to truly living a life that is reflective of self-love and respect. And perhaps the greatest gift of this journey is that by ‘walking this new talk’ I am creating a path I would be proud for my daughter to follow.”
WLS Lifestyles - www.wlslifestyles.com - Copyright 2008
Food and Feelings - The Importance of Making the Connection
(Mind, Body, Spirit)
By: Louisa Latela MSW, LCSW
I had been asked to speak to a Post-Op WLS support group a couple of years ago… around the time that gastric bypass was just starting to become “popular.” As a psychotherapist who has been working with persons struggling with weight issues for more than 17 years, I was astounded when I spoke to this support group and realized that many bariatric patients have never made the connection between food and feelings.
The first woman to speak said she had become obsessed with having to be a size 0. She was in a size two and would not buy any type of clothing that was larger than that and was actively trying to get to that 0. She was exercising compulsively. Another woman reported that she was drinking more and acting out sexually. One participant said she “had it all”: great husband, great kids, a job she loved and all the money she could want, yet she had never been so unhappy. She was starting to eat chocolate again. Yet another member said she was so nervous, she did not know what to do with herself. When she got home at night she would be watching TV and get up and walk to the kitchen, open up the refrigerator door, then close it and go back to the TV. She would do this several times every night. Other people expressed great fears, for example, what life would be like as a thinner person.
I started to explain to them that I believe we are all born these perfect little psychic bundles of love. We are who we are in each moment, expressing our truth with freedom and innocence. If we’re happy we laugh, sad we cry, hungry we eat, full we stop. It doesn’t occur to us to not be real about who and what we are and how we feel. Then as we age we start to get sometimes very subtle and sometimes very overt messages that who we are is not ok - that it is not safe to express our truth. This can come from getting messages like “big boys don’t cry,” “oh, that doesn’t hurt,” “that was a stupid thing to say,” or maybe you heard your parents arguing and asked your mother what was wrong and she said “nothing is wrong everything is just fine,” and you start to think, “It didn’t feel fine to me. It felt like there was some anger. like something between my parents was really off,” but your mother who to this point you’ve believed to be the expert about life said everything was ok. Then you start to think, “something must be wrong with the way I think or perceive things.” You learn to not trust your instincts. Then one day someone comes along and asks, “What color is the sky?” and you think, “Well, I think it is blue, but I don’t know if what I think is right. The last time I cut my finger, it hurt and I cried. I was told that it didn’t hurt that bad, and I shouldn’t cry. I don’t know. Maybe the sky is purple or green.” And when we are unable to express our truth, it creates a great deal of anxiety. Often, families teach children to manage feelings like anxiety with food. When we are focused on food, we learn that we do not have to be present to the current situation, nor do we feel the pain of not being able to trust and/or express ourselves. Food eventually becomes a reliable coping mechanism, a comfort zone that allows us to ignore and disconnect from what is real.
Weight loss surgery patients who take the time to understand how and why they became morbidly obese and make the connection between food and feelings may make sturdier lifestyle changes that support long term weight loss. In the past 2 months I have had 4 people call my office who were 2-3 years post op. They were all starting to gain their weight back (anywhere from 25-65 pounds) and were desperate to understand why and learn what they could do to change it. None of these people had sought out any psychological counseling either before or after their surgery. They all thought, “It will just work because I won’t be hungry and my stomach can’t handle enough food to make me get fat again.” Unfortunately this was not the case. They had very little insight as to how they were using food to manage the intensity of their emotions.
One way to start to understand the role compulsive eating has played in your life, is to be aware of when your thoughts turn to food when you are not physically hungry, and ask yourself, “What would I be doing right now if I wasn’t thinking about food?” It is in these moments that it is very helpful to keep a journal. It doesn’t have to be in a fancy book, it can just be on a piece of scrap paper. The purpose here is to start to make you conscious of when you may be eating for reasons other than physical hunger. Before you can change a behavior you must first become aware of it. Write down anything that comes to mind. Try not to filter what you are writing. If you don’t know what you would be doing or what you are feeling write about what “not knowing” feels like, and ask yourself “what kind of nurturing do I need right now?”
I believe that compulsive eating is always an attempt to self nurture and that self love and compassion is the foundation upon which a successful recovery program must be built. People who are in the process of losing weight and attempting to change their lifestyle may be hard on themselves. Any small deviation from their meal plan may be looked at as a failure, triggering feelings of anger, depression and shame. They may be trying hard to cope, but the shame that follows this kind of self talk can intensify the feelings of hopelessness and lead one to give up on oneself entirely. It is in these moments that we all need to tell ourselves the same thing we would tell a child or loved one. Would we tell them they are a failure because they did not follow their meal plan? If we wouldn’t say it to them, then why would we say it to ourselves? It is in these moments that we must be extra kind and compassionate with ourselves. It is a time when we really need to give ourselves an emotional hug, and think about the idea that we are doing the thing that we least want to do (that is eat in a way that does not support good health). That we have done this is an indication that this behavior feels safer than sitting with some uncomfortable feelings. Sometimes we all struggle to love ourselves enough to believe that we are worth the effort of hanging in there with ourselves as we attempt to make behavioral changes that will support us living a healthier life.
Know that food is not good or bad, it just manipulates the energy in our bodies. Notice when and what you are eating and ask yourself, “Will this food support good health for me? How will I feel physically about 20 minutes after I am done eating this? How will I feel emotionally?” It has often been said that our lives are a manifestation of our intentions. Think about what that might mean in your life as you observe the way you eat.
Is the way that you are eating and self caretaking an indication that your core intention for your life is something like: “It is my intention to have a healthy, joyful, abundant life” or is it something else? Just notice and think about what you would like the intention for your life to be. That to which we put our attention, expands.
As I mentioned earlier, it is not uncommon for people to express great fear and concern regarding what will life be like as a thin person. How will I handle attention from the opposite sex? What will I do with all the extra time and energy I will have when I am eating for good health and energy? What will I do without the protection of my excess weight? As people travel down the road to recovery from morbid obesity, they are sometimes surprised to find out that they are not so much afraid of failure, but of success. Uncovering feelings of unworthiness, asking, “Who am I to be successful and have a big life?” When actually they need to learn to ask the question, “Who am I not to be? What gives me the right to not have a fabulous life?” It is not uncommon for people to use excess weight as a way of putting distance between themselves and others. When this is the case, one must learn to be assertive and set appropriate boundaries, and at the same time, risk being vulnerable and experience emotional intimacy. It is important to acknowledge and process any of these feelings that might surface, because if ignored, they could trigger intense feelings of depression, a common co-morbidity for bariatric patients, and fear which can sabotage your success. I believe that depression is an energy that is “depressed,” that it is a sign that there is something in one’s psyche or soul that wants to be expressed but has not had such an opportunity. (This is in no way meant to say that people who suffer from clinical depression need not consult with a physician and take meds as directed). When this oft times creative urge or passion tries to surface and it gets stuffed back down, a person often experiences this phenomenon as depression. As a bariatric patient one must start to explore what it is that excites them, what is it that sparks their interest, what triggers feelings of passion and excitement? Allow yourself to follow your passions. Allow yourself to play. Playing is a vitally important “nutrient” for the well being of our mind, body and spirit. It truly nurtures one’s soul.
It is important to understand that feelings are just energy in your body. They, like food, are not good or bad or right or wrong. You do not have to react to your feelings. You can breathe into them and just notice them. Eventually you will begin to understand how to change your feelings as you become aware of your core beliefs and self talk. We are taught in this society that we always have to “feel good” and if we begin to feel angry, sad, anxious, etc., we must do something to stop the feeling; but, what is truly healing is to embrace the feeling, and just sit with it. It will eventually soften, and then you can move through it. When you start to truly “listen to yourself,” you will know what actions you must take in order to live a life that supports your highest good.
I am writing this article because I feel so passionately about the need to get this information out to the weight loss surgery population to help them understand that surgery is only the first step. Please, if you have had, or are considering having this surgery, be sure to set yourself up with a good aftercare plan that includes individual psychological and nutritional counseling/support, realistic exercise instruction, a primary care physician familiar with weight loss surgery and group support. Surgery is not a magic cure. There is both emotional and physical work to be done in order to live a life free from compulsive eating. But IT CAN BE DONE!!
Louisa Latela is a psychotherapist with 17 years experience in working with persons struggling with food/body/weight issues. Ms. Latela is a certified My Self Design Program Provider (www.myselfdesign.com) in Haddonfield, N.J. where she maintains a private practice. Louisa would love to hear from you. If the connections between “food and feelings” has affected your recovery from morbid obesity, please email louisalatela@comcast.net.
WLS Lifestyles - www.wlslifestyles.com - Copyright 2004
Reclaiming Your Power Over Food = Reclaiming Your Authentic Power
Isn’t it amazing how a chocolate chip cookie can control our lives? I am not a gastric bypass patient, but have certainly had my share of struggles with food and other maladaptive coping behaviors. Despite years of schooling in psychology and social work, I continue to astound myself at how many times I choose to act in ways that do not support my highest good.
In the last article I wrote: “Food and Feelings: Making the Connection,” many contacted me after having read the article and wanted to know if I was a WLS patient. While I am not, I have come to learn through years of working on myself emotionally, physically, and spiritually, as well as working with my clients, that there is a common thread among all of us who have ever struggled to truly love ourselves. It is that we lose our authentic power when we give something outside of us the power to control how we feel. Authentic power as defined by Gary Zukav, (author of “The Seat of the Soul”) is when the personality is aligned with the soul. When one is living in line with his/her authentic power, they act in ways that support their highest good. They are respectful and loving to themselves as well as to others. They are aware that the only thing that they can control in this life is their actions and are able to consciously choose to live and behave in a way that truly honors who they are. They hear and act on their inner wisdom, their intuition, their higher power, in essence their truth, their soul.
Time and again, I work with bariatric patients who are 2-3 years post-op and still struggling with their obsessions with food. It is not that they do not know how or what to eat. It is that they feel powerless over the control it still has in their lives. Hours each day are spent agonizing over what they should/should not eat, being angry about what they did eat, being angry about what they want to eat but cannot eat, feeling guilty about the fact that they ate at all, and ultimately feeling like a failure because they are still having to deal with this issue. They are allowing the thought of food to stop them from being present in their lives and it continues to define how they feel about themselves. This is where authentic power is lost. The way to reclaim your power is to be willing to sit with the uncomfortable feelings of not giving in to the urge to eat when you are not physi¬cally hungry, or when you are wanting to eat in a way that is not in line with your meal plan. It is as simple as that, and it is as difficult as that. We begin to discover in a deeper way why these compulsive behaviors exists in the first place.
It has often been said that we are always op¬erating from a position of fear or love. When we are operating from a position of love, we are con¬nected with our authentic power. We come from a place deep inside that is rooted in knowing that we are perfect in this moment, that it is safe to act in a manner that supports our highest good and that we know how to truly self nurture. When we are acting from a place of fear, we will look to things outside of us to stop whatever emotion we are experiencing.
So I guess all this new age mumbo-jumbo sounds good in theory, but how do you put that into practice? The only way I have discovered to do this, is to take a risk, and keep my word to myself. To make a commitment to myself, as I would to someone I loved dearly, to be conscious of my thoughts and actions, and begin to choose to act in ways that support what I say, are my intentions for my life. While morbidly obese per¬sons are often the victims of prejudice and have to deal with things that average weight persons do not, on some level we are all the same. I have never met anyone who does not have some sort of addiction to some degree. It may be an addiction to alcohol, drugs, work, exercise, obsessive thinking, worrying, relationships, shoes, sports, nail biting, cleaning, chaos, gossip, the internet or sex, but we have all created intricately deceiving ways to help us avoid our feelings. We have all kinds of rea¬sons to defend our behaviors, and it all sounds good, but the truth is, the only person we are really deceiving is ourselves.
I encourage you to take the risk to experience the feelings of not giving in to the compulsion to eat when you are not physically hungry. You can always go back to the old way of living, just experience it and see what it feels like. You might just like it, then again it might be scary, just notice. When I have a client sitting in front of me struggling to reclaim their lives from compulsive eating, I often get an image of them holding onto a ledge of a mountain, high up in the air. They are “white knuckling it” to hang on, then they take the risk and “let go”. I then have the vision of them fall¬ing through darkness, and I actually experience this in my body. I get a nervous sensation and a feeling like my stomach is dropping, and for a moment, I lose my breath. Then all of a sud¬den I experience a calm, the tension in my body leaves, I am able to breathe, there is light, and I experience a glimpse of what I believe para¬dise to be, something that is difficult to describe in words. To know this sensation of paradise, I now understand that it comes from the will¬ingness to go through the darkness in order to experience the light.
We are faced with decisions every moment of every day. We are always faced with the deci¬sions of what to think, how to feel about what we think and what to do about that feeling. Because of the work that I do and because of my desire to grow emotionally and spiritually, I am very conscious of my thoughts and actions. As I stated earlier, I sometimes astound myself at how many times I do not choose to think or act in a way that supports my highest good. However, I have also noticed that by putting my attention to wanting to live in a way that is loving and re¬spectful to myself and others, I make many more choices that are self-loving than I have in the past. I trust that the number of self-nurturing choices that I make for myself will continue to increase, because I have come to realize that keeping my word to myself feels better than eating a cookie or engaging in negative thinking.
Knowing all of this and believing it does not mean that it is always easy to “take the high road.” It takes a great deal of constant, conscious effort. However, the more times you are able to not give in to your strongest urges to overeat, the better the chances are that the next time you are faced with a similar choice you will choose the behavior that supports good health.
Most importantly, be kind to yourself as you travel down the path of recovery from morbid obesity. Give yourself credit for having had the courage to have weight loss surgery in the first place. Next, although it is not easy, allow yourself to take a hard look at emotional issues that may have contributed to your obesity. It takes time, patience and self-compassion. Every time you are faced with the decision of what and when to eat and consciously make a choice, you are taking responsibil¬ity for creating your life experience. Each time you are faced with that choice and choose health, you are reclaiming your authentic power.
Louisa Latela is a psychotherapist with 17 years experience in working with persons struggling with food/body/weight issues. She is a certified My Self Design Program Provider in Haddonfield, N.J. where she maintains a private practice. To contact Louisa, please email louisalatela@comcast.net or call 856.429.9799.
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